Illustration
Selling Holes
I was at a Green Fair set in the local park. One of those holistic and ecological events that oppose capitalism and any other form of rampant destruction disguised as progress. After I wandered about for a while I came upon a most peculiar stand. In short, it was a strange old man (was he American Indian?) sitting on a chair besides a patch of lawn that had 6 holes in it. Next to them was a placard with Holes for sale written on it. I stared dumbfounded.
But why are you selling holes? I blabbered.
Holes are amongst the most useful things in the world! he proclaimed, coming to life like a puppet. Why, without holes our plumbing systems would be a stinky disaster. In fact, so would our bodies! The long wiggly hole between your mouth and your bottom is essential to your survival. It is because of holes that this world exists at all.
My curiosity was aroused and I bent down to quickly examine these holes. I was surprised to observe how well crafted they were. In addition, each had distinguishing features.
What kind of holes are these? I asked.
They are all different, said the man nonchalantly; one is narrow and shallow whereas another is narrow but deep, one is wide and shallow and another wide and deep, whilst the last two are eccentric.
2005 - UK
A Guide to Surviving Ones Death
Scenario A
You have jumped out of a plane and whilst falling cannot open your parachute! The scream that tears itself from your throat is terminated by a huge thud as your body hits the ground. Reverberations multiply and then fade into eternity You are enveloped by a consuming darkness. Something disengages, though not without friction, and there you are, looking down at your shattered remains!
You then notice a warm glow of light somewhere to your left. Drift towards the light.
Scenario B
You are a foreign visitor supporting a Spanish football team, which has just defeated the local British football team. You are leaving the stadium with friends and looking forward to returning to your sunny home. Unexpectedly, a gang of English football fans come round the corner. They are drunken hooligans looking for trouble and start taunting you. Your friends immediately flee, calling after you, but you stand your ground. You have stood in a ring with a bull so why should skinhead thugs intimidate you? Raising your fists you swear at them in the most guttural Spanish.
2005 - UK
A Walk In The Park
George W. Peters Esquire was a man who enjoyed the utmost leisure. He had inherited a comfortable house and small fortune after his parents had passed away and therefore had no need to work. In fact, there wasnt anything he hadnt inherited. He had produced or created nothing and even his lifestyle was what was expected of a man in his position.
None the less, he was generally satisfied with his few routines, which provided him with the impression of life. On Thursday nights he could be found at his club where he smoked mild cigars with other gentlemen of his ilk. On Saturday nights he was a regular at the opera. He usually took a taxi everywhere except on the occasion of his morning walks in St. Jamess Park, just a stones throw away from his residence.
Every morning George got up at 7am with a splitting headache. Glancing briefly at the alarm clock he donned his clothes, shaved carelessly and made his way to the breakfast table. With a pained expression he slurped down his sugar frosties and hastened to the hallway. At this point the throbbing in his head was unbearable.
Unzipping the top of his head he would pull out his brain, feeling an almost orgasmic relief in the process, unhook the leash and collar next to his coat and then secure the custom made harness to his brain.
2002 - UK
Radio Dogs
In Karambooy, everybody who lived above ground spent the day walking their dogs in vast sentient parks. Everything in these parks was fully alive. The trees played chess with the flowers who regularly withered while waiting for the trees to make their move. Finishing these games was further delayed by the fact that the chess pieces often ran away.
The popular dogs were all Jack Russells and without fail, had a glowing fin on their backs. This fin was an isosceles triangle that changed colour as mood or circumstances dictated. More significantly, perhaps, it was a universal aerial tuned into the celestial music that filtered throughout the cosmos.
So the dogs, which had a great ear for music, would howl along to tunes that took their fancy. When this happened their eccentric walkers were impelled to burst into song in their baritone voices so that the daily stroll often became a moving duet. Typically, a chain reaction was set off so that in a short time the whole park was in an uproar. Even the earthworms would poke their heads out and wiggle from side to side. Some of the visitors to the park did not welcome these impromptu operas and in particular the skateboarding snails, notorious for parking up side down, would instantly race into the horizon.
2007 - Cyprus
The Garden Dress
Chapter 1
Summer days in Osaka, Japan’s second biggest city, are hot and humid. In the outer suburbs, especially in the evenings, mosquitoes make a nuisance of themselves. However, the rhythmic croaking of frogs may be heard from the flooded rice fields that can still be found on the city edges, and this is very pleasant.
On just such a day, Ai, a small girl of eleven, was walking home from summer school. She was often alone because she was quite sensitive (as well as small) and schoolchildren took pleasure in teasing the vulnerable. When by herself she was a most curious and adventurous child. After school she was usually sleepy andpeckishbut nevertheless, reluctant to go home.
Home was a small cramped apartment on the tenth storey of a massive, impersonal, concrete block. Unlike her friends, Ai was not content to watch television or play computer games all evening. She was an explorer of reality and particularly enjoyed discovering new flowers or plants in the neighborhood. It was not unusual to find her by the side of a road, drawing a flower. Drawing was what she liked best.
2000 - UK
Love Train
I woke up in a London underground train and noticed that all the people in the coach were sleeping. It was a deep slumber shared with mutual abandon. Although I’d never been in one, I was reminded of a bomb shelter. What was going on? Was it a dream? The last thing I remembered was lying on my back gazing up at the night sky. And yes, there was this particular star… fleeting images of falling - and now here!
I closed and opened my eyes, and blinking nervously saw a sparkling bauble of light. This began to take shape in the conjoined form of a traditional Chinese old woman seamlessly crossed with a space age conductress from an episode of Star Wars! Her finely wrinkled face, with its halo of straggly white hair, mushroomed from a slim youthful body sheathed in white silk decorated with small silver numbers. This ‘cartoon’ had gently shaken me awake. I glanced at the numbers but they turned out to be elusive formulas that shifted out of focus and scattered. Looking down, I was startled to find that the woman’s feet did not touch the ground but fizzled into a blur just above the vinyl flooring.
2021 - Germany